I've read your stuff but I don't usually comment. I have extensive writing background, I do it for a living actually. I'm told that I shouldn't critique other's writing because I'm really aggressive and kind of heartless about it so I'll keep it mellow if you don't take this as some sort of attack.

The people behave very childishly and the narrative leaps around and is difficult to follow. As for the writing itself, your grammar could use a bit of work. The way you structure paragraphs makes it difficult to tell who is speaking. Some of the word you use make it seem like you're trying to give the writing a particular dialect that you're only familiar with via old movies. There are books you can get that detail particular styles of language if you want to get serious about it. Also, you use words in your descriptions that have little real meaning and phrases that don't describe things vividly.

Example taken from the first paragraph of The Second World Chp 4, Third line: "All her jewellery along with her shoes were gold and her hair cascaded beautifully down her back." First off, you want to avoid "to be" verbs, in this case, the word "were". It makes the line passive and removes the object of interest. Second, "cascaded" is a good word, it offers something in motion, but " "beautifully" means nothing because it's subjective and removes the effect "cascaded" had on the reader. Third, "all", "along with", and "and" interrupt the flow of the description, making it choppy and harder to follow, making the reader less interested in what you have to say. Fourth, "gold" is a good word here but I think you fail to capitalize on the value of it. With all the girls in this first paragraph, I think you're trying to give them a vivid color but the lack of focus on the color makes it less vivid. Here's an example of the line rewritten to eliminate the issues I've pointed out. "Pale gold stones hung from a fine chain around her neck, matching the sleek slippers of the same color peeking out beneath the hem of her gown and complemented the hair cascading down her back like a downy blond waterfall to her waist." Granted, I don't know what sort of jewelry or shoes she's wearing but it's better, visually speaking, to show the reader exactly what you're talking about rather than leaving them to decide what jewelry and what kind of shoes the person is wearing. A gold delicate chain necklaces and slippers is a very different image than a gold studded choker and combat boots.

Anyway, thus concludes my critique. I have no right to critique poetry because I suck at it so this is only with regards to the stories. I hope you don't think I was too harsh.

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Dear diary, today I was pompous and my roommate was crazy. Today we were kidnapped by hill folk never to be seen again. It was the best day ever.

Wow. Like, really wow. Okay, well I don't take offence to any of this. Um, yeah, I have a habit, partially because of the way I was taught to write, of writing something like...
"blahblahblah" soandso smiled. However, the speaker was not the same person who smiled if you know what I mean.

I also have a habit of knowing what I want to say, and not being able to say it properly. Actually, if you do this for a living, would you mind editing my story and emailing it to me to revise and re-post? Just like, taking a chapter at a time, adding footnotes and such, then I would fix it up as best I could? Sorry if this is putting you on the spot or giving you a lot of work...

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You can hide from your friends and your family, but when you're all alone, how do you run from yourself?

I am: Team Switzerland! Yeah, I'm a Twilight Fan.

Shadowcat, Animefreek4lyfe, whatever you please.

I wouldn't mind editing. I wouldn't have studied writing if I didn't like all the accouterments. You actually wouldn't be the only person I'm doing it for. Do you know how to use the track changes with Microsoft Word? Do you have Microsoft Word? That's the easiest way to go about it. And perhaps an email?

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Dear diary, today I was pompous and my roommate was crazy. Today we were kidnapped by hill folk never to be seen again. It was the best day ever.

Yeah, I don't know about track changes but I have Microsoft Works Word Processor. I use Vista. I can always change it to save in a lower file though. And I'll send you my email in a note. Are you gonna copy/paste it right off DA or should I email you the chapters?

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You can hide from your friends and your family, but when you're all alone, how do you run from yourself?

I am: Team Switzerland! Yeah, I'm a Twilight Fan.

Shadowcat, Animefreek4lyfe, whatever you please.

I can copy paste. I'm not sure if Works does the same thing as straight up Word so I'll just do colors. Do you have anything in particular you'd like me to start with?

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Dear diary, today I was pompous and my roommate was crazy. Today we were kidnapped by hill folk never to be seen again. It was the best day ever.

Uh, not really. I mostly wanna focus on the first/second world stories because they have sequals. They're in a set of five. I'll be posting the rest of the second story soon, so if you could possibly just go through those two stories, i would be glad and could work from there on improving the third and writing the fourth/fifth.

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You can hide from your friends and your family, but when you're all alone, how do you run from yourself?

I am: Team Switzerland! Yeah, I'm a Twilight Fan.

Shadowcat, Animefreek4lyfe, whatever you please.